I try not to exaggerate. It’s been something that has gotten on my nerves ever since I was little. “I literally exploded.” No you didn’t. You’re here telling me this weak ass story so clearly and unfortunately, you did not explode. So please know that when I tell you that Colony Café in Miami Beach Florida is the worst restaurant I have ever been to. It’s not just me either, apparently, this place has some of the worst reviews on Yelp. But forget other people’s experiences, let’s just take a quick gander at what happened yours truly.
I went in because it looked sort of fancy from the outside. I went in, was seated at my table and waited 30 minutes before anyone came to take my drink order. As you can imagine, by this time I’m ravenously hungry in addition to dying of thirst so I go ahead and order from the menu I have had more than adequate time to look over. The waitress, however, seemed somehow put out by the fact that I was making her job so much harder by ordering my food and my drink at once because she smacked her gum and rolled her eyes at my every word. She then disappeared off into the distance for another 35 minutes and left me to die of hunger and starvation while listening to music blasting too loudly in speakers from a Spotify playlist (it was not a premium membership and you could hear the ads).
When my rum and coke did finally arrive it was brought to me by a completely different but equally asinine waitress with matching gum. She placed the drink on the table with too much force and a little spilled over the top but she was already turned on her heels to leave. I stopped her to ask her where my first waitress was and she said she didn’t know. I asked her when my food would be ready and she said she didn’t know. I was just about to ask her if there was anything she did know when I noticed from the corner of my eye that there was something that looked like a ball of hair floating in my drink. I just about to throw up when I noticed the hint of steel in the ball and realised that it was not hair, but a Brillo pad that was floating in my drink! I was just about to get up and leave when my waitress suddenly appeared with my plate of food. I told her that I wasn’t paying for or eating that! She rolled her eyes and screwed up her face. I showed her the Brillo pad in my drink and she dunked her fingers into the drink and took it out before looking up at me like ‘are you happy now?’ But the topper of the evening was when I asked to see the manager and was told, no.
Don’t go. Just don’t go. You might end up accidently going because the place goes by a number of pseudonyms; Colony Café, Chef Vincent at Colony Hotel, Colony Bistro and Colony Restaurant. Get all of these names tattooed on your face if it means you’ll remember not to go.