Gone are the halcyon days of pub grub. Not strictly true but there are certainly plenty of public houses with delusions of adequacy from a gastronomic point of view. Occasionally, something genuinely good comes along (you're still on to a good thing with The Eagle on Farringdon Rd). Sadly with most of the rest, what you see bears little resemblance to what you get.

Here are a few notable truths and lies…

Home-made = Taken out of the foil tray

Vegetarian = You'll be lucky, why do you think that tofu tastes so much like beef?

Vegan = See above but includes dairy produce.

Fresh = Frozen

Norwegian Prawns = Similar, they're from Iceland supermarket

Grimsby Cod = Nope, still Iceland

Parma ham = Tesco's ham (value pack)

Sun dried tomatoes = Old tomatoes

En croute = The pie went wrong

Duck = Chicken but only the stringy bits

A delicate blend of… = We had no idea what we were doing with this one

Medium rare = Burnt

Rare = Burnt

Sauce anglaise =Birds instant custard

Frozen yoghurt = For God's sake, this is supposed to be a pub.

…on a bed of rice = The miracle of Uncle Ben's

Shaved Parmesan with wilted rocket served with balsamic vinaigrette = A few lumps of cheese, old lettuce and olive oil (they'll never notice the difference)

Freshly prepared original style Lincolnshire sausages with garlic mashed potatoes and onion gravy = Bangers and mash, usually around £8. A little bit naughty

… with a hint of thyme and fresh herbs = Remember those cheap wooden spice racks everyone had in the early eighties? A couple of small bottles left over but the labels have fallen off. Could be belly button fluff and old twigs for all we know.