There is a long speech in The cook, the thief, his wife and her lover where the cook tells Helen Mirren all the things he believes in charging extra for. I remember him talking about black olives reminding people of death, so he felt happy to charge extra for their vanity. I recently received a bill for some things I had ordered from the US which included extra for a service charge AND an ancillary charge. So I looked in the dictionary and found out ancillary means subservient. This distressed me greatly and the gang of mercenaries I sent to the courier company headquarters will hopefully have expressed the dissatisfaction on my part.

But as is the way of these things, it got me to thinking about what we actually pay for when we go to a restaurant. The ingredients of much of the food we eat, costs pennies. Also, a professional restaurant, with all its catering and trade contacts and ability to bulk buy, would pay far less than you or I. But it still must add up to a fair bit. Then there are the considerable overheads of a shop, they have their bills to pay too. Then of course, unless it is a family business of an extraordinarily generous disposition, there are staff wages. All this is right and just. But then come the subservient charges. Sometimes, its the name (does anyone go to the Ivy for the food?) but this is almost always a disappointment; Planet Hollywood, Hardrock Cafe, Fashion Cafe (no laughing at the back) are/were defiantly mediocre in their fayre. And is the prospect of sitting next to someone who went out in week four of Pop Idol really worth an extra £15 per person?

Then we all love to be thoroughly patronised by an outrageous Maitre'D, preferably with an almost impenetrable French accent who actually comes from Welwyn Garden City. What I really like in this instance is someone who would never actually say anything offensive but would look at what you are wearing and say how brave a choice you have made. If you think I am being ridiculous, find anyone who has been to Won Keys in the last few years who wasn't actively looking forward to being abused, insulted and anything else you can get with chop sticks that is only otherwise available in the Torture Garden. Is training provided or do these type of restaurants only hire naturally unpleasant people? Of course, a nice view of the river or local architecture will always be a bonus. I truly regret not being old enough to have eaten in the revolving restaurant at the top of the Post Office Tower and I have been to some places where the experience was greatly improved by the location. Strangely though, the prices on the menu in a window seat are the same as the prices next to the toilets or the drafty exit with loudly banging door.

If music be the food of love, why do they still hire bollocks awful failed jazz pianists in restaurants? They have an extraordinary talent for ruining the ambience and any chance of decent conversation and, perhaps most worryingly of all, could start playing something from a Lloyd Webber monstrosity at any time.

We all know, we are going to get stung on the drinks bill when we eat out, it comes with the territory. I do get slightly melancholy when the price sticker from the supermarket is still on the bottle telling you just how absurd the mark up is (yes, this did happen to me once).

So what are we paying for? The experience, the occasion, the event, the not-doing-the-washing-up? Whatever it may be, we keep doing it and long may it remain so. King Mob Good Will Tour 2002